Maddesons Sandwich Bar

Reviews

• Maddesons going for gold!!

  Sale Sandwich Cathouse, Maddesons, has received global acclaim from an unlikely source! Wilson Kipketer, emaciated, Kenyan born former Danish middle distance runner, has launched a surprising campaign to instate Madessons as the official caterer for London 2012! Skinny Kipketer, ousted from the sport in 2005 for abducting and eating Bruce Forsyth’s dog, claims the latest Kitkat and oyster Mediterranean style wraps are the only way for top class athletes to prepare for major sporting events. Commenting from his tree house in Sale water Park, Maddesons Proprietor and part time Ann Widdicombe impersonator, Bernie Abrahams, had this to say, “Wilson is a funny little man. He spends a lot of his time chasing pigeons about and trying to eat the chewing gum off the pavements outside the shop but the scrawny bugger seems to have some real clout within the ODA!”. ODA Chairman, Seb Coe is playing down rumours that Kipketer threatened to eat his cat if he didn’t endorse Maddesons’ application, stating, “The Maddesons campaign is being reviewed very closely and they are very strong contenders. Wilson Kipketer did not threaten to eat my cat.” Despite being rocked in recent times by the disappearance of Claire Potash, Winner-esque ‘Manager of Sandwich New Builds’ and the suspicious death of former Hoagieteer, ‘Big Tez’, Maddesons are still on course for global domination. Whatever happens, you can be sure that the Sale Chronicle will be cheering them on to victory!

  20

  Daniel D.
  Review Date: 09/11/2010 Report review
• Falklands Feast

  Since the untimely demise of local gypsy heroine, Theresa and the mysterious disappearance of Michael Winner look-a-like, Claire Potash, the Sale Chronicle can exclusively reveal that Bernie Abrahams was close to hanging up his hogie for good…that was until the inventive intervention of local security kingpin, Vic. “Let’s face it, Tezza and Clare were our source for sandwich based creativity, our Lennon and McCartney if you like” scoffed Bernie. “We hadn’t had an original filling since Tezza’s infamous Parsnip and Custard, so we were in trouble”. The Sale Chronical can report for the first time that it was a brand new filling from a local celebrity that helped keep Maddesons afloat, “I had been spending one of my long evenings in one of the empty offices, in the dark, alone” recalls Vic. “I was casting my mind back to my time serving Queen and country in the Falklands, back when we didn’t have issues with immigration and I suddenly remembered a beef based filling we used to have in our sandwiches” Vic continued, “quick as a flash I remembered it was corned beef, so I dashed across the road, straight across mind, without using the lights and islands and waited 6 hours for the shop to open”. Bernie recalls the moment fondly, “Vic was waiting outside, soaking to the bone after one of the work flash downpours we’ve had in 50 years. I opened the doors and only two words came from Vic’s lips…Corned Beef!” Quick as a flash, Bernie knocked up 100 covers for the early morning revellers and the rest is history. Yet again, this local sandwich shop proves, it certainly isn’t a corny ending.

  100

  Big P.
  Review Date: 08/11/2010 Report review
• Schindlers (Sandwich) List

  Following the recent burglary and recovery of the infamous "Arbeit macht frei" sign above the entrance of the infamous Auschwitz concentration camp last week, the Sale Chronicle can exclusively reveal original hidden documents uncovering local sandwich shop 'Maddesons' heroic role in rescuing hundreds of ill-fated sandwiches in 1943. During the investigation at the camp, a chest containing a 16-page dossier and rubber stamped invoices confirming the shipment of 356 sandwiches was discovered underneath the floorboards of a central office. Police were baffled to discover that a Mr Gerald Abrahams of Sale, Cheshire had requested that the sandwiches be shipped over to begin working long manual labour hours in his shop, unbeknown to Chief Propaganda Officer, Joseph Gerbbels, who was overseeing the camp at the time, that the sandwiches were actually being sold as food to cheery Cheshire locals. Bernie Abrahams, 56 has been left shell shocked by his fathers attempt to free hundreds of doomed local favourites including ‘Ham Salad’, ‘Tuna Special’ and the popular early morning ‘Chicken Tikka and Egg’. “I’m just gob smacked, all of these reconnaissance missions to Germany under the guise of a rich factory owner, when my mother thought he was doing the hoagie runs to Coventry!” scoffed Bernie.

  100

  Big P.
  Review Date: 23/12/2009 Report review
• The Queen is dead, long live the queen....but is she?

  It’s been 4 months since the disappearance of Mother Theresa; the sacred lady of Sale hoagie outlet, Madessons, and time is no great healer. Following a series of high profile bust ups centred around Theresa’s hedonistic lifestyle and off counter flirtations with Ginsters pre packaged buffet bars, tensions were already running high in this hoagie whore house, leading to speculation that she has fallen foul of the higher echelons of the ‘made to order’ sandwich hierarchy; an organised crime system with a fearsome reputation for brutally force feeding traitors and dissidents. As a keen amateur boxer and crack enthusiast, Theresa was last seen brawling with a group of gypsy bare knuckle fighters in the Little B carpark before burning off on her unicycle. Claire Potash, reigning Michael Winner lookalike champion and ferret handler, said, “She was like a wild animal! I’ve never seen a woman beat a grown man, but to make a tuna mix for the spectators whilst she’s doing it is remarkable.” Suffice to say, Theresa’s loss has left a scar but the Sale Chronicle is sure that Madessons won’t mind telling the story of how they got it for years and years to come.

  20

  Daniel D.
  Review Date: 15/12/2009 Report review
• Watch out Branson - you have a pastie on your back.

  When Claire Potash (Winner-esque proprieter of Sale hoagie outlet, Madessons) became the proud mother of a baby girl, Bagabo, the first thing she did was call the Sale Chronicle to announce that this was not only the beginning of a new life, but the inspiration for a whole new business venture - pasties! Having been acquitted of all involvement in the March honour killings, Claire has reinvented herself, ditching the Mussolini outfit for a much more dressier get up in the style of Mo Mowlem, she's even shaved her hair off to get in to character! "I'm a new man" claimed Potash as she left the hospital, Bagabo in hand. "I'm even in talks with the Brooklands Tap about selling my new corned beef and grapefruit pasties over the bar!" Who knows, first Madessons then the world!! Whatever she decides to do, Claire knows the Sale Chronicle backs her 100%!!

  60

  R. S.
  Review Date: 04/08/2008 Report review
• Pick up a Maddesons...but don't strain too hard

  Hefty Maddesons stalwart, Phyllis Gumble, cried tears of blood and sweat yesterday as her promotional weight lifting campaign got off to a heady start. Designed to raise the profile of a new Burmese style Winkle and Cabbage Pitta released by the Maddesons Sandwich Bordello, Gumble has dedicated her world record pig lifting attempt to former dictator and genocide enthusiast, Pol Pot. After prolapsing her colon in training bench pressing a large goat, Gumble's chances were in serious doubt. After poking her arse back in with a stick and trying not to fart too hard Gumble is back to her best and is sure to triumph in what must be another extraordinary feather in Maddeson's cap of success.

  60

  R. S.
  Review Date: 14/05/2008 Report review
• a Phoenix from the flames

  take a quick walk through Sale on any given lunchtime and it is impossible not to notice the newly bulging waistlines of the local population buttons are a popping and pants are a ripping all over this town! Before Jamie Oliver gets on his moral high horse I must explain this is down to much coveted local sandwich bar Maddesons. Many regular customers believe this to be a direct result of Maddie's new high protein "Hot Special" of Jamaican Jerk Chicken. The popularity of this dish has forced proprieter Claire Pottash to employ a group of four West Indian men to literally "jerk" in to their chicken filling to add a certain je ne sais quoi that the punters can't get enough of. Wobble your way over to Maddesons and make your own mind up before its too late.

  50

  Tarquin M.
  Review Date: 24/04/2008 Report review
• The end for Maddesons?

  Police were called to a grisly murder in east Sale last night. The Saturday girl from Emilio's had been bludgeoned to death and sexually assaulted with a hogie by an aproned gang from rival sandwich bar Maddesons. Rumour has it that a spy from Emilio's had poached Maddesons new coronation chicken recipie which literally involves a chicken being crowned on a throne and treated as royalty before being slaughtered, marinated and used as a sandwich filling. Sandwich gang warfare between the two shops has been raging in Sale for the past few months creating a climate of fear amongst hogie eaters, honour killings and punishment beatings of disloyal customers have been associated with maddesons before but the charges never seem to stick. Maddesons proprietor Claire Pottash is currently in police custody accused of rape, murder and bad tradesmanship. Could this be the end for Maddesons???

  50

  Tarquin M.
  Review Date: 30/11/2007 Report review
• Sandwich scullduggery

  "You can schnizzle my bizzle dizzle fo rizzle" were the exact words uttered by Maddesons' sandwich maverick Phyllis Gumble when she heard that she'd won British Sandwich Maker of the Year. Gumble, clad in her much maligned Gorbachov outfit complete with stick on birth mark, cut a distinctive figure as she was presented with the much coveted award by disgraced former chat show host and murderer, Michael Barrymore. Following her involvement in the theft of a number of Koi carp from an Altrincham fishery, there was speculation from the 'made to order' sandwich community that Gumble would be barred from entering the competition, that requires competitors from around the world to single handedly take telephone and faxed orders and prepare and stock a sandwich trolley prior to 9.35am on a Friday morning, on the grounds of bringing the art of sandwich and hogiery into disrepute. Gumble appeared somewhat gaunt and her tag was clear for all to see as she graciously accepted the award before burning off in her ice cream van.

  60

  R. S.
  Review Date: 29/11/2007 Report review
• Michael's a Winner!

  Bemused sandwich keeper Claire Pottash is quickly having to learn the hard way, that fame...is exhausting! Since her election into the role of Deputy Sandwich Keeper in 2003, Claire has had to put up with the hoards of teenagers arriving at the shop at 6.00am, just to catch a glimpse of the Michael Winner look-a-like. "I've just taken it in my stride", claims Claire. Having recovered from a troubling series of kidney stones, Claire has found that the fame spotting sometimes turns nasty. "I've been scratched, punched and even bitten, purely because people think i'm Michael Winner!� clearly the excitement of new found fame has not gone to Claire's head, "I'll never change, fame never lasts forever, I suppose I just have to live with it!". Claire adds that when she finishes her shift, she's the first out of the lads to arrive at the Brooklands Tap for a game of Darts, "Even if people think I have an uncanny resemblance to the award winning director of such British classics as The System and Cool Mikado, I'm just good old Claire!�

  100

  Big P.
  Review Date: 29/11/2007 Report review